Mad Goth Woman Sleeps In Coffin

Weirdo, goth exhibitionist, Kay Groom (42) of Swaffam in Norfolk, ought to be old enough to realise that sleeping in a coffin and then inviting the press to photograph you as you make a bufoon of yourself, probably doesn't win you many friends in the 'normal' community. Halloween stunts are one thing, but Kay's interest in coffins is not her only foible. Apart from her unusual sleeping arrangements, freaky Kay has a strange line in mantelpiece bric a brac, with a collection of over three hundred ornamental skulls and a real skeleton.

The more liberal among you may take the view that if you're going to sleep in a pine box, you might as well go the whole hog and turn your home into a charnel house, but I'm not so sure. I'm just wondering how her daughter feels about bringing friends around for a drink, when such an invitation not only means introducing them to Norfolk's most bizzare woman, but also sitting around with what's left of the ancestors.

Communication Between The Sexes

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish = 49


Adventurous = Slept with everyone


Athletic = No tits


Beautiful = Pathological liar


Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills


Emotionally Secure = On medication


Feminist = Fat


Free spirit = Junkie


Friendship first = Former slut


Fun = Annoying


New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places


Old-fashioned = No BJs


Open-minded = Desperate


Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing


Passionate = Sloppy drunk


Professional = Bitch


Voluptuous = Very Fat


Large frame = Hugely Fat


Wants Soul mate = Stalker

DICTIONARY FOR INTERPRETING MEN'S REMARKS:

I am hungry = I am hungry


I am sleepy = I am sleepy


I am tired = I am tired


Nice dress = Nice cleavage!


I love you = Let's have sex now


I am bored = Do you want to have sex?


May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you


Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you


Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you


Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you


I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

This piece was taken from another blog. Hope it helps clarify one or two things in inter-sex communication.

A Voice From The Wilderness

Four days before the Presidential election in the USA, evidence of the health and wellbeing of the world’s most wanted man was broadcast by the al - Jazeera news channel yesterday. George W Bush has not as he promised in 2001, smoked out the evildoer.

The choice is stark and simple. Three years down the line from 9/11, the thin bearded gent in the funny white hat is still broadcasting his insolent messages. Does America want more of the same failed policies from Bush, or is it time for a change?

Fahrenheit 9/11

I watched Michael Moore’s controversial film about George Bush today. All I can say is, you should get it from your local video shop and watch it. While you’re about it, tremble at the prospect that Bush’s gang of crooks and liars may get another four years to corrupt, exploit and abuse the people of the world. Moore’s documentary is partisan for sure, but that doesn’t make his accusations false. So many voters in the US are apparently unmoved by the issues the fat guy raises, that I have to conclude that in America, being an idle, dishonest son of a bitch, is no bar to office. Oh – and Q - if you’re there and wondering why I haven’t blogged on the question of the UK’s devolution referendum – sorry. I’ve spent my time writing about American politics, because they matter, and whether or not we have a North East Assembly won’t make the slightest difference to anyone, except to the wasters on the assembly gravy train. I mean, why would voting for another useless layer of bureaucracy be interesting, when Bush might get another four years to enrich his family and destabilise the world?

Check out Moore's web site:

http://www.michaelmoore.com/

Arafat Near Death - Or is he?

Had he died ten years ago, the Palestinians would have been in an incalculably better position than they are today. The thousands killed by an implacable enemy, might have played their part in a better future.

Arafat had a cause - his people suffered an historic injustice with the permanent occupation of their land, but the grotesque mishandling of negotiations, corruption, mendacity and his utter venality have besmirched the people he professed to fight for.

Cess Pit Of Evil

The antichrist and his heir – Paisley and Robinson

Why am I not surprised to read that hate crimes are a growing problem in Northern Ireland? Probably because hate crimes have been a feature of that benighted province for decades. What else were the systematic indignities of the suppression of Catholics by the so called ‘Loyalist' population throughout the twentieth century? What else were the revolting scenes of barbarism that have taken place outside Catholic schools where five year olds and their mothers were spat at and abused? Just listen to the poisonous bile of the evil Doctor Ian Paisley as he rants that the Pope is the antichrist.

If I seem to be leaving out one party to the troubles, I am. Here we're talking about hate crime, and I put that firmly in the hands of the bitter right-wing Protestantism of Paisley and his ilk. Men who have systematically preached hatred and intolerance and have done everything they could to hinder progress between communities. The reason we have no working devolved government there today is that the so called Democratic Unionists, refuse to take part. IRA violence, though wrought by psychopaths and murderous dogs, was a reaction to oppression. Evil as it was in it’s often indiscriminate carnage, it would never have started but for the bitter poison of the likes of Paisley.

If there is a Hell, may he rot in it – and the sooner the better.

Linked Story on Hate Crimes:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/3957381.stm

John Peel Is Dead

That a sixty four year old could remain a much loved music presenter on the UK’s top popular music station, says something about the remarkable talent of John Peel. That he could have deserved a place at the heart of such a station for forty years, shows something of his character. He will be greatly missed by millions - fans from Radio 1 and from more recent work on Radio 4, people who like me were devotees of his programme, Home Truths. It was as zany as Peel himself, treating the trivia and oddity of human life with a freshness that was compelling. Saturday mornings won’t be the same without his drawling tones and ironic sense of humour.

The world feels a poorer place today, but many will remember his work and smile at what he gave us.

John Peel 1939 – 2004 – A fine man.

More about John Peel:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/tv_and_radio/3955289.stm

Listen to John Peel - you won't regret spending the time:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/hometruths/ram/20041002_coming_out.ram

Choosing A President

In seven days time, our American friends go to the polls to elect the next President of the United States. I'm sure they'll all be pondering the qualities of the candidiates and of course it doesn't do for people like me to interfere - but hell, since when did I ever let good manners stop me from sticking my oar in?

One of my sons has a copy of Fahrenheit 9/11. I Think I'll watch it. He says the accusations are dynamite, but strangely, not too many Americans seem to believe them. One fundamental difference between people on this side of the Atlantic and those who'll be choosing their President next week, is that here in England we are deeply sceptical of politicians and utterly unforgiving of signs of weakness in their intellect. Here, Bush could never have risen above local politics - he is too obviously an unintelligent buffoon, and the startling interview he gave before the last election in which he was unable to name the president of Pakistan, would have sunk him as a candidate. Under pressure from the questioner, he said Musharraf's first name was 'General'. It was one of those moments when you just knew the guy was far from up to the job. I'd love to see him doing Prime Minister's questions in the House of Commons - a weekly inquisition by his peers, and no one to save him from his idiocy. He'd crap his pants and they'd all throw paper at him.

The Commons is a bear pit, but the rough and tumble ensures that idiots don't survive. Bush is protected from all that, and in the recent debate with Kerry, had a wire up the back of his jacket so someone could work his mouth. Just check out the photograph above this post and try to convince yourself I'm wrong. If you can, just don't go out in the street without a care worker. Someone will take your money and your pants and convince you its the right thing.

Royal Navy Recognises Satanist Religion

Royal Navy Technician Chris Cranmer, was allowed to register as a ‘Satanist’ in Navy records at Devonport Naval Base in Plymouth last month, and now, in line with the navy’s rules on respecting religious diversity, crazy Chris will be allowed facilities on HMS Cumberland to carry out his Satanic practices.

Wacky Catholic MP Anne Widdecome, said she was, ‘utterly shocked’ at the Navy’s recognition of Cranmer’s horrid beliefs. She added: ‘The Navy should not permit Satanist practices on board its ships.’ The Satanic code that Chris subscribes to, advocates indulgence, vengeance and rigorous pursuit of sin, since such shenanigans, it is claimed, lead to physical, mental and emotional gratification.

Now some of you may well agree with busty Anne (68), that too much shipboard gratification might be bad for discipline - but thinking about it, I’m not so sure. If there’s anything at all in Cranmer’s pal Beelzebub, maybe the tax payer could save a ton of cash that would otherwise go up in smoke, and just let Chris poke needles into wax models of the enemy instead. We may have to provide him with a few goats, virgins, and the odd cockerel, but if it works, why not? In fact, considering that a newly acquired Canadian sub spontaneously combusted a couple of weeks ago, maybe some attention should be paid to what Chris has been up to in his seaboard chapel. Improve his targeting a bit, and this might be the weapons discovery of the century!

SOURCE:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/3948329.stm

Bring Back The Pillory

Bleeding heart, Barry Hugill of campaign group Liberty, thinks that Darlington Borough Council have infringed the human rights of a fourteen year old yob, by publishing notices about the Anti Social Behaviour Order they've taken out against him.

Bonkers Barry is concerned that residents of the Skerne Park Estate in Darlington, might think ill of the lad who's committed hundreds of offences, and now they know where the little bastard lives, one or two might take the law into their own hands and give him a thick ear or a kick up the arse.

Booo hooo Barry, should try living next door to the problem for a while, and then he might think naming and shaming was more than called for. If it were up to me, I'd put a pillory in the town square and fasten them in it for a first offence. Forty eight hours of derision, abuse, and being pelted with rotten fruit should do the trick and if it didn't, a public whipping would sort them out. I'd charge for tickets and turn it into a theatrical event. Let me see - an unemployed wrestler in a black hood and tights could lash them with a riding crop, and I'd have audience participation, like at the pantomime.

'He's behind yooou!'

'Oh no he isn't!'

Whack!

I think that might cut the crime figures in a jiffy - don't you?

'Never Mind The Bollocks Boris'

The balding man in a tracksuit who shouted, ‘Never mind the bollocks Boris,’ probably made the most accurate observation on the furore in Liverpool, heard there yesterday. Editor of the Spectator, Boris Johnson MP, was ordered to spend time in the pillory, by Tory leader Michael Howard, fearful that the city’s clannish tendency would wipe out his party at the next election. The lesson of collapsing circulation for the Sun, has not been lost on Howard, so Johnson was dispatched to do his penance.

Sack cloth and ashes for Boris? Not really, only the public humiliation of being abused live on local radio, by the brother of dead hostage, Paul Bigley, and other opportunistic hyenas. ‘You don’t even look right,’ ‘Get out of public life,’ said Bigley, demonstrating the depth of the case against the errant Tory.

Johnson stood by the main thrust of the article and so he should. It was the truth - not that the city allows much of that to get in its way.

Fat Slags Cartoon To End Says Viz Genius

The wonderfully observed portrayal of the rougher element of Tyneside womanhood, the Fat Slags cartoon, is to end says Viz genius, Graham Drury. Apparently, the man eating grotesques are to be discontinued in protest at a new film about them made by director Ed Bye and featuring Fiona Allen, Sophie Thompson, and former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell. The film to be released on Friday has already been dubbed the worst British film ever made.

Viz fans may well regret the loss of the hilarious harpies, but we Geordies can enjoy their antics any time we like, by visiting Newcastle's Bigg Market. There we can gaze upon the grotesque women of Tyneside, as they stagger, half naked about the dark and rainy streets in search of a shag. Their screeches of, 'What are yee lookin at ye auld twat,' as I gawp at their appalling Bacchanalia, have many a time reduced me to incoherent delight. Watch out if you go there though, they're quite likely to assault you with a giant pork sandwich and then squat on top of you in hideous sexual abandon. You have been warned. If you don't want to be forced into inseminating a monster, stay inside your Skoda Hummer, like I do these days.

Visit the website of VIZ - the best adult comic in the world. Go there and subscribe - it's hilarious.

http://www.viz.co.uk

Pink Elephants And Wallabys

Local government officers in Cardiff, might well consider controlling the sale of alcohol in the Welsh capital after a costly hunt for the Cardiff Wallaby showed that the mystery marsupial was in fact a fox. The wallaby was trapped in the city yesterday and RSPCA officials were surprised to discover not an antipodean fugitive, but a mange ridden vixen, with an injured leg. Local residents claim to have seen it hopping on back legs and hiding in their gardens.

Yeah pal – and I saw a pink elephant getting out of a space ship last time I went to the pub.

Husband Wanted Down Under

Helen Zou is advertising for a husband on a five by four metre billboard, alongside a busy road in the Australian suburb where she lives. Her requirements are not so different to those of many women using the more prosaic lonely hearts columns. She wants a man in good health, preferably a non-smoker who is financially independent and with a good sense of humour. Applicants she hopes will be caring and have a business or professional background.

Ms Zou describes herself as beautiful, intelligent and warm hearted. My thoughts on the matter - if that was true, surely she could get a date without plastering her requirements across a two hundred square foot billboard, and making a total spectacle of herself?

Bloody exhibitionist!

The Power Of Nightmares

This week, BBC 2 television broadcasts the first of three programmes devoted to showing us how our leaders have abandoned dreams, and seek instead to terrify with nightmares. The scenarios of doom and gloom, are false of course, just like the claim Iraq could deploy its mass destruction weapons in three quarters of an hour. Fear though, is the way to drag us meekly into line, a mechanism furthering an illiberal genda. They have spun mythologies that spread unquestioned, we must forego our freedoms, tolerate imprisonment without trial, accept ever closer surveillance, even the use of torture, because we are about to be wiped out. Don't question these things - secret intelligence exists that only some can see.

The claim that society faces an organised terrorist menace equipped with the deadliest of weapons, nuclear, biological and chemical, just doesn't stand up. We may believe that ricin was found in London, but it wasn't - not one drop. Never mind - the scenes of men in yellow suits, persist in memory and they've been repeated across the land as firemen at the government's behest, practice in space suits for Armageddon. Across the sea, American fundamentalists rub their hands, confidently preparing for the end of the world. Their bedtime reading is, Left Behind, a Christian end times story, also now available on video.

Strangely, the rest of us have missed the fact that neither 9/11, nor any subsequent attack has used these dark new weapons - that outrages in Madrid used dynamite, the Bali bomb, fertiliser and diesel fuel, and Saddam Hussein had no terror weapons after all. Our view of the future, is in the hands of Neoconservative scriptwriters, and they're busily at work on a horror movie. Look out for their next installment - be sure it's on its way.

Terrorist Charges - Five Years Too Late

Egyptian born Mustafa Kamel Mustafa , is to face terrorism charges after more than a decade of anti British, rantings. He is probably one of the most hated men in Britain. The one time night club bouncer, mujahideen fighter and radical cleric, is somewhat better known as Abu Hamza al-Masri, or Captain Hook. That an Egyptian ex-mujahideen, should turn out to be a radical menace, is one thing – that United Kingdom law enforcement has spinelessly put up with years of treasonous ranting, is quite another. It is deeply shaming that this poisonous snake was allowed to ply his trade for so long What are we, when PC relativistic nonsense takes precedence over jailing a man who openly preaches treason in the heart of London?

My only regret over the charges, is that they take precedence over a US request for extradition. Hamza is one individual that I’d have dearly loved to see in an orange jump suit at Guantanamo Bay. It wouldn’t surprise me, if the British charges have been cobbled together to save him from that fate. There is a cancer at the heart of our society. It saps our strength and stops us fighting a slide to crime, anarchy and chaos. It isn’t radical Islam, it is the failure of our nation to punish those that harm us.

City of Saints and Heroes

Ever noticed how when ever anybody says anything less than fulsome about Liverpool, the city rises up and hands down a fatwah? The way they go on, you’d think the Kingdom of God had upped sticks and set itself up on the banks of the Mersey.

Boris Johnson MP, responded to a storm of criticism yesterday, by apologising for an article which pointed out the truth – whenever something unpleasant affects the city, the whole place writhes like an octopus with a sore tentacle. So much for tragedy, and they've had a few - Hillsborough, Alderhay, the Bolger murder, Bigley's horrible death, but dare suggest that some of it was their own fault, or that outpourings of collective grief are a tad over the top, and you’d better watch out for those wriggling arms. Take Hillsborough for example. We all know the police made errors, but they weren’t the only ones, and some who did were drunken football fans. Don’t dare say it though, or like the Sun and Boris Johnson, you’ll be made to suffer.

http://www.spectator.co.uk See the Leader.

The War On Terror and Rational Risk Perception

I read a posting from an American the other week. He wondered if it was irresponsible to fly from Florida to Europe, and questioned whether it was safe to travel at all. I wondered if he checks under his bed each night for anarchists with fizzing bombs – you know the ones like bowling balls with firework fuses sticking out of them.

His concern with terrorism led me to doing some risk assessment for myself. After all, I live in a British city with maybe twenty thousand Mulims in it. Here’s what I came up with as the most likely non medical threats I have to face:

1. Riding my bike in traffic
2. Cutting a limb off with a powered garden implement
3. Falling down stairs after drinking beer
4. My wife, finally driven insane by my unreasonable conduct, murders me while I sleep
5. Car crash
#
#
99. I get stabbed by a mugger
#
#
9997. I get shot by Islamic madmen
9998. I die in a terrorist bomb attack
9999. I am poisoned by deliberately released toxins, viruses or radiation

My advice to the worried American? Get a life pal! You're a million time more likely to die from eating McDonald's Supersize, than from anything Islamic.

Two Arrested Over Beastly Desecration

Two men were arrested by police this morning over the grotesque theft of human remains in what is thought to be the latest and most sordid action in a campaign by ALF sympathisers against guinea pig farmer, Chris Hall. Gladys Hammond, deceased grandmother and mother in law of Mr Hall, was removed from her grave last Tuesday in a macabre outrage. Her remains have not yet been recovered.

http://rantingoldgit.blogspot.com/2004/10/depraved-activists-steal-grandmothers.html

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/staffordshire/3741940.stm

VW Beetle Named Crappest Car

Richard Porter Author of 'Crap Cars', claims that the iconic VW Beetle is the worst car ever made. As it happens, I’ve owned three of his top five bummers. Two were indeed crap - the vile Austin Allegro (number 2) was a profound disappointment, and the revolting Morris Marina ( number 4) was cheap to buy, but cost a fortune in the end as something fell off it every week. Porters number 5 however, doesn’t deserve to be on the list at all, in my opinion. The Lada Riva was a solid car. I once drove mine 975 miles in a day with the family in the back and they were well enough afterwards, to be discharged from hospital inside a week!

Old Vlad never broke in sixty thousand miles. He was solidly engineered and unpretentious, and VERY cheap. What can you expect for next to nothing? In the end, I sold him to a pair of Russian sailors who knocked on the door and offered two hundred quid. I like to imagine him trundling around Siberia somewhere, and he probably is still going, unlike some of the more stylish models that I’ve owned.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/3742504.stm

A Counterblast To Tobacco

James VI had it about right, when he wrote his famous essay against tobacco four hundred years ago this year. Reading it this morning, I was left wondering how it could be that we spend billions fighting a war on terror, an evil which has killed few, but do virtually nothing about a much greater menace. Last night, I sat in a restaurant obliged to suffer the stinking assaults of tobacco fiends, who as a species bring about the deaths of 3,600 of my innocent countrymen each year, filling as they do, our public spaces with obnoxious, reaking, chemical fumes.

I can do no better than quote the Stewart King himself:

"... a custom loathsome to the eye, hateful to the nose, harmful to the brain, dangerous to the lungs, and in the black stinking fume thereof nearest resembling the horrible stygian smoke of the pit that is bottomless."

I get the feeling he wasn't a fan... Check out the whole of the 1604 essay by following the link below. He seems to have been well ahead of the modern tobacco industry on the effects of the deadly weed.

http://www.jesus-is-lord.com/kjcounte.htm

Freak Objects To Comical Depiction

Michael Jackson has asked TV stations across America not to broadcast a comic video in which rapper Eminem, ridicules the so called pop legend by dressing like him, and appearing on a bed surrounded by young boys.

Sounds like fair comment to me Mikey baby, especially the bit where the false nose falls off. You know, as my sainted Grandma used to say, ‘Fred lad - if ya divint wanna be portrayed as a freak – just divint turn yersel intae one.’

You know - that’s as sound a piece of advice today as when she first said it to me, all of eighty six years ago.

Un-Ashamed Plug For Adult Comic

I just re-discovered the wonderfully vulgar adult comic Viz. All I can say is buy it. It is so much better than it used to be. Here are a couple of extracts:

‘The British Olympic effort in Athens cost the taxpayer £190 million and garnered a total of 30 medals. And we’re supposed to be impressed? That’s almost £6 million per medal. In the trophy shop down the road, you can get a little cup with a snooker player on top for £2.99! The money wasted on Athens would have bought one of these lovely trophies for every man woman and child in Britain. Surely that would have been a better use of the money, and we would all have been winners – except for Paula Radcliffe’

And another beauty based on the public outrage at the Lottery win of £7 million, by serial rapist, Lorworth Hoar.

"I was disgusted to hear that a rapist was allowed to win £7 million on the National Lottery. By committing the most vile of crimes, a man should forfeit the right to win the jackpot. In fact he shouldn’t even be allowed to get five numbers and the bonus ball. Convicted rapists should be limited to matching three numbers, winning a maximum of £10.

M Hudson. London."

And this gem:

"What I don’t understand is, if God can part the Red Sea and make it rain biscuits on the Jews or whatever, why can’t He jiggle a few ping pong balls in order to prevent a serial rapist winning the lottery? I can’t see why he doesn’t fix it for deserving people like Mother Theresa, or Terry Waite to scoop the jackpot every week. It has certainly shaken my faith in Him.

Rev J Foucault. Truro"

http://www.viz.co.uk

Depraved Activists Steal Grandmother’s Body

A four year campaign of terror against a Staffordshire guinea pig farmer, plumbed new depths on Tuesday, when animal rights extremists dug up the grave of Grandmother Gladys Hammond, and stole her body. This bestial act is the culmination of a four year campaign against the farmer, Chris Hall, his relatives and neighbours, by ALF sympathisers. Police have no leads on the whereabouts of Mrs Hammond’s corpse, and no demands have been received. Some ALF supporters have condemned the action, but a Florida based web site has applauded it as a successful sabotage action.

Isn’t it time we extended the war against terrorism to include fanatics like these? Follow the link to discover other depraved acts carried out by fanatics who consider Mrs Hammond as, 'just another dead thing.' *

* http://brianoconnor.typepad.com/

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/staffordshire/3735042.stm

Straw In The Wind

Jack Straw, the British Foreign Secretary, has officially withdrawn the government claim that Iraq possessed mass destruction weapons in 2003. The claim that such weapons could be deployed in forty five minutes, was at the heart of a furious row between the government and the BBC, which lead to the sacking of journalist, Andrew Gillighan and the resignation of the BBC chairman.
In the Commons this afternoon, Straw said, "I do not accept, even with hindsight, that we were wrong to act as we did."

Tell that to the relatives of the twenty thousand dead Iraqis, Jack. Oh - and maybe the thousands of burned and blasted victims of the bombings.

Scots Govern English Time

Special Controversy For Our Loyal Reader in Oban

At 0200 this coming Sunday, clocks all over the UK will be put back by an hour, returning to Greenwich Mean Time. The effect of this step will bring darker evenings across the UK matching the start of the working day to local sunrise times in the northernmost parts of our island. ‘So What?’ you may ask.

The problem is, that most people in the United Kingdom would rather have an extra hour of daylight in the evening, and more importantly, traffic safety experts claim that as many as a hundred fatalities occur each year on English roads because of it. English MPs have recommended that Britain should set it’s clocks to European time, effectively leaving them where they are now in winter. So what’s the issue then?

Historically, the UK policy on setting clocks has been driven by the interests of Scottish farmers. Without the move, it might be nine AM before the sun dares show its face in Scottish Glens - a depressing prospect no doubt, unless of course, one gets up at half past eight. Is that too radical a solution? I wonder? If you happen to live in a place where the sun rises later, why not get up then, instead of obliging the rest of us to change our clocks so that it gets dark in mid afternoon?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/401659.stm

Quasimodo - Or Wired For Sound?

After a disastrous first debate, commentators agreed yesterday, that President Bush performed better in the second of the three head to head discussions, with challenger John Kerry. Junior was more relaxed, and unlike last time, managed to control his temper, but the view from one camera angle suggests that his easier manner, may have more to do with the fact that he was wired for sound, than from his own grasp of complex issues. Bush’s expensive hand made suit shows an unsightly bulge between his shoulder blades, which suspicious minds were quick to claim was made either by a miniature aqualung, or an electronic prompting device. Take a look for yourself. The man is either turning into Quasimodo, or a box of dirty tricks has migrated up his sleeve. The way it’s heading, it might well pop out behind his ear during the next debate.

Warlord Kept A Human Dog

Afghan bandit turned kebab seller, Faryadi Zardad, (41), faces charges of kidnap and torture - crimes allegedly committed in Afghanistan during the 1990s. An Old Bailey court in London, heard this week, how Zardad created a fearsome reputation for cruel and merciless banditry before coming to London as a refugee. Prosecutors told how people passing through the checkpoints he controlled, were terrorised by unbridled violence into handing over goods and money. His men robbed, beat, wounded and held for ransom a great many civilians.

More bizarre than his penchant for robbery, was his grotesque sense of humour – the court heard how he kept a human dog chained in a hole, a deranged man, who was occasionally turned loose inside a tent, to bite and terrify people for Zardad's amusement.

If I’d known about that, I’d have put him in touch with some of my ex-colleagues. Some of those rabid bitches would have been a lot more frightening, if perhaps a little more expensive to keep.

Republicans and Noodles

Feral Republican, Greg McSneeky brought scorn on himself and his party this week, when prosecutors were asked to investigate controversial film maker Michael Moore, for offering noodles and underpants to students agreeing to vote in the upcoming Presidential election. US law forbids the offering of inducements in return for votes, and the morbid spoilsports of Michigan’s Republican elite, fear that the controversial film maker may raise the anti Bush vote by his comedic antics.

Laughing, Moore pointed out that those who so objected to his stunt, are perfectly content to see assault weapons on the streets of Michigan, but noodles are a no no.

As my refined and sainted mother would have said of McSneeky and his ilk, ‘Fucking buffoons.’

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/film/3719154.stm

Cheney Drops A Clanger

Vice President Slick Dick Cheney slithered off the podium yesterday, having dropped the clanger of the election campaign, if not the century. Whilst responding to an attack by his opponent John Edwards, he fluffed a URL, asking Edwards to go and check his facts at factcheck.com. It should have been factcheck .org, a very costly error, since the one he gave out to fifty million viewers, was quickly re-configured to send visitors to an anti-Bush rant, set up by arch enemy George Soros. The web site has reported as many as a hundred views a second since the VP’s kindly recommendation.

Am I unkind? That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard this week…

On Ostriches and Weapons of Mass Destruction

I could not draw to save my life, but I have a cartoon in mind. It goes like this - I see an ostrich, one of a flock, their heads buried in a dung heap marked with a sign, 'Republicans This Way', and a copy of the ISG report beside it, open with torn pages blowing in the wind.

The report of the Iraq Survey Group and the research that went into it, have cost the American Tax Payer over a billion dollars. It comes to a very clear conclusion.

There have been no Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq since the 1990s.

So much for the report, now why won't the Republicans and Blair accept its main conclusion, instead of twisting it into an affirmation of their headlong rush to war?

Israeli Intelligence On LSD?

A web site set up by the Israeli Government showing evil Palestinians loading rockets into a UN ambulance, has been hastily withdrawn after non-hallucinating viewers pointed out that the ‘rockets’ being loaded, were in fact rolled up stretchers.

Israel has had several issues with the UN operation in Gaza, and reacted furiously when it obtained pictures of armed men getting into an ambulance, but UN spokesmen pointed out that in the incident complained of, the vehicle had been hijacked by militants to take an injured comrade to hospital. One might be forgiven for thinking that what Israel really objects to, is an international group having oversight into their heavy handed ways.

Amnesty International says that so far this year, Israel’s pursuit of terrorists, has resulted in the deaths of over a hundred Palestinian children. More than seventy Palestinians have died since the IDF launched the aptly named Operation Days of Repentance in Gaza last week and the Israeli human rights organisation, B'tselem, says more than thirty of the recent dead were civilians- people like Islam Dawidar, a sixteen year old girl killed yesterday by tank fire in her own kitchen.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/3718870.stm

Sub-standard Subs

HM Government became the Arthur Dayley of the second hand weapons trade yesterday, when one of five old submarines bought by Canada broke down a hundred miles west of Ireland. So bad was the problem, that the vessel is drifting helpless in rough seas, but this is not the only dodgy sub the Queen has sold her old dominion. Out of the five bought by the Canadians, three have already been sent back.

Maybe the Ministry of Defence, should buy the Queen an old sheepskin car coat, so she can hawk her old tat in the time honoured way of shady second hand car salesmen.

‘Wotcha guv! Nice little motor that. Only ten trillion sea miles on her and fifty thousand horse power under the conning tower! Just run in.... Fancy a warranty? No problem.’

Prince Of Darkness Changes Tune

Hilarious turnarounds are afoot in Republican circles. Old Rummy, arch disciple of Satan Cheney, has split from the party line and now says that he's seen no evidence of collusion between the old Saddam machine and al-Queda.

Well what a surprise? An avowedly secular Saddam - persistent persecutor of fundamentalists was always an unlikely friend for extremists whose agenda is world Sharia government, wasn't he?


Latest News - Rumsfeld to be appointed Peatagon Weathervane

Apparently, the forgetful Secretary of Defense has been reminded that Saddam did have convincing links with the evil organisation, al-Queda, and that after all, he has seen convincing evidence of the connections between them.... Ho ho ho - methinks someone has whispered in his ear that his frank admission of yesterday was not an entirely helpful contribution to his boss's attempts to be President for a second term.

Watch out Rummy, there's another breeze coming... 'Ready about me hearties!'

The War On Terror

Who is winning the War On Terror?

Having changed the legal presumption of innocence in order to protect our freedom, I begin to wonder.

Given the quality of intelligence on Iraq, the lack of charges and absence of an independent oversight, I'd ask how many of the Guantanamo detainees are hapless victims?

Others like things as they are, and say, 'Why bother? They're terrorists, and we're protecting freedom aren't we?'

Errr - yeah. That sounds about OK...

School Run

A sclerotic gridlock of four by fours creeps across the city. I peek through armoured glass at round eyed battery children, snug and overfed in their school run, steel cocoon. Yippee! Lessons are out and they’re on their way to freedom - Playstation or Internet, music lesson, homework, supervised sport and TV.

Maybe someone should start a Children Liberation Front, wrench open the car doors, drag them out, and turn them loose to run and jump and shout like we did, and most important, to do it away from adult supervison. Unless we do, how will the stunted wretches ever learn to run their lives?